Msg # 4900   
Date: 31 Mar 94  10:20:00
From: Bob Johnstone
  To: Carolyn Crawford
Subj: REPLIES
____________________________________________________________________________

 > Thanks for taking the time, I would say "Nadine" is lucky. She
 > sounds pretty special too.

   She is very special, I dont want to fill the whole conference doing
nothing except talking about her, but that is about what it would take to
fully describe her.....

   We get along so well we have spent 24 hours a day together for years at a
time and never got tired of doing so or bored with each other and we still
walk thru the parks or along the beaches, etc holding hands after 33 years.

   Long ago I learned when looking for a relationship or a partner that
appearance was totally unimportant and the most important choice was finding
someone who could be your BEST friend.

   Many in my opinion seem to act out of fear, the "fear they will not find a
better person for a mate."  Yet over the years I have met many who waited,
dating many individuals first to find out what "choices" there were, then
making their choice from the best of those they knew.  These individuals are
those who have the most secure, long term marriages.

   Most people will study to learn how to make a living, then haphazardly
just choose the first, second or third person who will date them for a long
term relationship.  Some dont even question the individual to see what they
do or dont like and marry a person who hates to do many of the things they
enjoy most in life.  They spend very little time learning HOW to choose that
individual, someone they plan on living their entire life with, then wonder
why the divorce rate is so high.

   Once they marry, they spend more time fighting over who is "right" than
they do learning how to get along or compromise and learning to compromise I
feel is one, of if not the most important aspects of marriage.  If couples
cant compromise in a manner which is fair to both, resentment builds up and
destroys the relationship.

   In the first year we were married, we were having a discussion, and
decided that "our relationship" was the most important part of our life, so
we would _not_ allow anything to change that.  That having "our own way" was
not as important as the relationship.  That Finances were not.  That even the
children were not, for they would grow up, and live their own lives, then we
would be alone together, so we could not let _anything_ destroy that.

   Many times we had "differences" and would argue, but then when one or the
other realized it was getting heated, we would stop, suggest we "stick the
discussion on a shelf in the closet" and do something for now we could both
enjoy.  We would "take it out" and talk about it from time to time, and if we
could not find a way to compromise, just put it away again.  We also decided,
that _whatever_ we decided, if we did it Nadines way, it was her
"responsibility" to make it work.  If we did it my way, it was my
"responsibility" to make it work.... and if it did NOT work, no one was to
"blame" we just had to find something different to do to solve that
challange.

   For the first 14 years, we had some major differences in "opinions" but
opinions are opinions, and because we had "different" ones it did not make
either "right or wrong."  Gradually we changed as all people do, things which
were important early in the marriage, became less important, and other things
became more important.  The things we differed on became less important, some
of them became so unimportant we had no interested in even doing them.  We
substituted other things that we both enjoyed, so be became more and more
alike in our choices for pleasure or vacations, etc.  We learned from each
other, in areas where her experience was greater, she made all the decisions,
in areas where my experience was greater, I made the decisions, and in the
other areas we discussed it until we made a mutual decision.

   By the time we had been together 14 years, we realized that even the ONE
area we had disagreed most vehemently, something we always just agreed to
disagree about, we now had the _same_ opinion about..... I had shifted my
perspective closer to hers, and she had shifted hers closer to mine, until we
found common ground.

   Every time we _had_ to discuss something we _knew_ would upset the other,
we always did it by first touching the other with affection, then holding
them while we discussed it.  Letting them know that we _cared_ for them more
than we cared about what we had to talk about that was upsetting.

   In my experience and that of thousands of clients over the years I have
come to believe that the first seven years are the most difficult, but if you
make _fair_ decisions and are more concerned about being _fair_ to your
partner than in being _right_ you can get thru these years.  If you do it in
this manner, (and it is never too late to begin) the relationship gets
stronger.  Once you get past that seven year mark, if you have been
considerate of each other, it begins getting easier and easier.  Looking back
after 14 years, I realized that it seems there are 7 year cycles, and things
are remarkably better every 7 years if you _work_ at making them better.

   EACH day is important, the FIRST FOUR MINUTES of each day are the most
important, they will set the _mood_ for the rest of the day.  If you seperate
for work, etc, the first _four_ minutes when you again see each other is the
NEXT most important time of the day.  MAKE those four minutes PLEASANT, talk
ONLY about what was pleasant in your day, pay complements, kiss, touch in a
loving manner, and the rest of the day will take care of itself.....

--- FLAME v1.0
 * Origin: For PTSD or Emotions & Physical HELP 714-525-1706 (1:10/25)

PATH: 10/25 103/501 121 3615/50 396/1 270/101 138/1 352/3 410
-B