Message #7073 - STRESS_MGMT Date: 03-28-94 10:47 From: Bob Johnstone To: Joanna Benz Subject:: MARRIAGE ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >BJ> Even if you cant get more time to do so, sitting or lying down and >BJ> recalling times that you did will help more than you might believe. > > Yes, I know I should be working on this type of mental exercise, and > that meditation would also be helpful, but I'm still somewhat out of > control. Forget about "should" it only causes guilt. If you "could" have done something which _would_ have helped you yesterday or last week and years ago, YOU - WOULD - HAVE - DONE - THAT..... People always do the best they are capable of doing for themselves. If we decide that the past is past, and only the future is important, so we begin _today_ to do anything we _can_ today no matter how small, tomorrow it will be easier to do that again. If we keep doing a _little_ each day to make today better, no matter how small or how little time, in 8-12 weeks things WILL be better...... It did not take only a week for people to feel bad or have problems and they can allow themselves _whatever_ time is necessary to begin turning their life around. NO on is a failure, one might take one year to achieve a goal, another might take three to achieve the same goal. The former HAD more ability to achieve it in one year, the latter needed to learn some things before the could do what the former did. Expecting more from yourself than you are capable of today, is like expecting a child to walk six months before the day they are ready to take their first step. Unreasonable expectations cause a LOT of problems for many individuals, and expecially those who have been programmed by others as a child to have unreasonable expectations for themselves. > Every time I try to meditate, I start crying instead. The > only things that help are distractions like getting out to the park > or shopping, answering email, doing craft work.... FANTASTIC! Crying is _healing_ if you learn to use it correctly. How do you do so? When you finish, ask your self, as if waiting for another person inside to answer, "What can I learn from these feelings?" THEN wait for an answer, IF you feel better when you think of that answer and the feelings which make you cry, you have the SIGNIFICANT response. If not, brush that answer aside, no matter HOW significant it might seem, especially if it makes you feel _worse_ and then ask again.... "What can I learn from these feelings?" You might then get an answer which helps relieve some or all of the feelings and if it does not relieve all of them, just go back to the question again. Some might get ten different answers each one relieving more and more of the feelings. Think of it this way, the _feelings_ which make you feel like crying, are _caused_ by the autonomic nervous system. The brain KNOWS why it is making you feel that way, AND it is trying to give you a MESSAGE which will help. But you havent yet learned HOW to communicate effectively with the subconscious (the tapes help teach you how more effectively than I can here) and UNTIL your subconscious _gives_ you the message, it keeps making you feel bad to -try-and-get-your-attention..... As long as you _distract_ yourself, you can _avoid_ the message, so it keeps coming back and nagging you to pay attention. When you pay attention, when you are _willing_ to even ask what it is trying to _teach_ you about this situation, it will give you the message and then it can stop nagging you so you feel better. We all have millions of things we can learn from our own brain, it has most of the answers that we need to solve problems or succeed when challanged and if you allow yourself enough time to get all the answers it is attempting to give you, some changes can take place which will _seem_ like miracles. But, realize they are not really, for we were _created_ with the ability to deal with _any_ experience in life regardless of what it might be. Others because they did NOT know this or never experienced it, programmed us to believe otherwise as we grew up, change the programming, and you change your life. > I'm already seeing a counselor weekly, a psychiatrist monthly, and > taking BuSpar for stress and depression, on top of Doxepin and my > other meds. Have been trying for years to get John into marriage > counseling with me. Over the years thousands of clients first found they had to reduce the dosage of medication they were taking, many eventually found their doctors taking them off any medication. Even those taking insulin, found as they got rid of stress, they could reduce the amount or stop using it IM and switched to oral dosages. They found it easier to change their diet so they ate in a more healthy manner (many eat incorrectly due to stress) and some believe that due to reductions in stress their own body began to function better so they were down to 10% of what they had to take in the past. BUT, any medication you are taking, regardless of how good you might feel should only be reduced when your doctor says it is time. He will know, for some even begin to show physical signs the dosage it too large, keep him informed at all times. >BJ> It takes no effort to get the same effect, if you sit or lie down >BJ> and put earphones on to block out your environment, then close your >BJ> eyes while listening to music or environmental tapes..... if you cant >BJ> find them in a local tape store, metaphysical stores always have them >BJ> available. > > Also had a bad reaction trying to relax to some of my favorite tapes. Listen to "environmental tapes" not music then, music can "trigger" unconscious memories VERY effectively, I even use it in sessions with clients who cant recall trauma from certain periods in life. Play a song or songs from the period, and they are right back feeling the way they did then. The beauty of the subliminal, is it has surf which blends with the suggestions, and music on it which has never had words with it, so it does not trigger such memories. > We spend most of our time apart, in separate bedrooms. John has > to have a special hospital bed now, and it's just big enough for > one. Sitting next to the bed reading or watching a comedy on TV, then talking about what you felt was funny during the commercials (if you have a remote shutting off the sound) does not commit a person to long involved discussions. Because they feel better from being amused or even laughing, they feel more like talking and even if it is only during commercials you will feel better. > With our combined injuries and illnesses, we usually can't sleep > together anyway. Then occasionally reaching out a hand, touching him in an affectionate manner and making a positive comment at the same time, can "anchor" him to feel good at your touch. People SEE each other when arguing, and can get "anchored" so that just seeing each other triggers negative feelings so they dont want to talk. Many children dont want their parents to touch them as they get older to hug them. It is not just "being embarrassed" but many times mothers have to "touch" children when they are in pain. They dont realize each time they do, it becomes more "painful" at subconscious levels to be touched. A little bit at a time, it adds up until they reach a point where they dont want to be "touched." Touching them ONLY as much as necessary to help stop bleeding etc, NOT "hugging" them to make them feel better at first. Then, when the injury has been taken care of, talking about "What happened" asking questions to keep them describing every little detail, until they dont want to talk about it any more or are even bored.... THEN, change the subject, talk about something they really like or enjoy, and watch their expression change from pain to pleasure, THEN HUG THEM, and the hugs will always be associated with GOOD feelings. EVEN children who are 15, 18, 25, and have their parents do this at first may be reluctant or think it strange. But talk about pleasant memories from childhood etc, making sure they are _their_ memories..... then HUG them. Clients have had children who would NOT hug them for years turn around and become a person who _always_ wants to hug their parents each time they come home. It becomes a much more pleasant place to visit. Runaway children who were forced to come home by the law, etc, have totally turned around when their parents began BITING their tongue when they did something wrong, talking about pleasant memories and hugging. They came to feel better about their parents, felt better about coming home at night instead of staying out way past curfew. It is not a "complete cure" but it is a good place to begin. Couples on the verge of divorce, have change their feelings by talking about all the good times they had when they first met or began courting and out of over a thousand couples who were on the verge of divorce, only three of my clients have ever gone thru it in the past 27 years. > We both gripe a lot about having to depend > on his folks for shelter and support. :) You must have some good memories together, focus on them instead. > But I still feel like, "I'll believe it when I see it." Your attitude can motivate hime to continue. If you HUG him instead of complaining and mention from time to time how much you _appreciate_ that he IS going for counseling. Make him something special, special things can be inexpensive, and bite your tongue when you feel like saying something upsetting. Do that for a week, then mention, "we seem to be getting along better" he wont remember the same old things, but WILL be aware there has not been as much bickering. The POSITIVE effects of that can help it be REAL... if we keep complaining, we are telling a person to continue that behavior. A year from now you could look back at this message and be surprised or even amazed at how much has changed, dont say I didnt tell you..... [grin] --- FLAME v1.0 * Origin: For PTSD or Emotions & Physical HELP 714-525-1706 (1:10/25) @PATH: 10/25 103/501 121 3615/50 396/1 270/101 138/1 352/3 410