Msg # 5154   
Date: 09 May 94  16:51:00
From: Chris Rensing
  To: Bob Johnstone
Subj: WORRIERS
____________________________________________________________________________

I read your biography in your message to (I forget his name.) Your life has
similarities to mine.

I was depressed for 10 years. I've felt all the pain that I think a person
can feel. I spent two years of that 10 wanting to die in the worst way. The
thing that kept me from killing myself was my belief in God and Christ, and
my relationship with them. To make a very long story short God pulled me
through, by sending me a therapist in 1989, who stayed with me long after he
had to. My old therapist and I became friends. But now I feel that I have to
let him go. The friendship is more toxic to me than productive. It is very
painful, and causes me much stress and tears. I love him very much -- of
course. I say of course -- because I believe that it's very natural to love
someone who validated me in a way that no one ever had, and who was there for
me in times of great pain.

My old therapist basically taught me how to view my life and life in general
in more productive ways. Right now I am going through the pain of having to
let him go. I have tried several times to talk to him about this, but he
doesn't understand, or it seems - even pays attention. Since I know him - for
him, I know that he has problems that makes his attention span in personal
relationships lower than it should be.

But the bottom line to all of the stuff that I could tell you about his and
mine's relationship, is that even though I love him, I cannot stay friends
with him - I must let him go. He was an excellent therapist, but as a friend
he causes me more pain than happiness. He may even have the effect of undoing
some (or I dread - all) of the good that he has done in my life.

Right now, I have much stress in my life. I stay in my marriage because I
can't support myself. Oh, my husband is committed to me - he loves me. He
always did, that's one of main reasons I married him. But we have nothing in
common, we don't see anything the same way, we have different intelligence
levels -- but our conflict resolution is liveable. You might have seen the
psychologist on Oprah and on 20/20 (I believe) promoting his book on
marriage. He said that conflict resolution is the main factor that keeps
marriages togehter, or makes them fall apart. Not interests, and other
components of marriage. But I'm rambling on.

I believe that God saw it necessary for me to go through the much pain that I
have gone through in the 10 years of depression. In fact, I've had some
visions from God in my life to do with such things [No remarks from
anti-Christians are welcome!] that have sustained me. I think that it might
be helpful to write my biography - even though I would want to use another
name, as to keep my life private from my story. Writing a book is a big
undertaking, but is something that I don't want to give up on.

When I see the many hurting people in the world, I can't but think that my
whole story might be an inspiration, and maybe even be food for thought.

Like you, Bob, even though I have sufferred a great deal in my life, I have
set out to become a psychologist. I have applied to a local college for the
fall to undertake my Bachelor of Arts majoring in psychology. Even though I
want to take courses in philosophy and sociology. But especially philosophy.
If I continue to have access to this echo, I might want to look to you for
stress support during the course of my studies from time to time. I would
look primarily to my friend and old therapist, but him and I define
friendship differently. He just doesn't see my viewpoints on the matter, no
matter how many ways I put it. And I'm exhausted with him -- and I'm giving
up. Right now he is adding a great deal of what I consider to be -
unnecessary stress to my life. And the only solution I can see is letting him
go.

My past depression and pain are not the only reasons for me choosing to
become a psychologist (I'm only 34.) I thought about it after high school and
in 1985. But my low self-esteem caused me not to have any self confidence,
even though many people always told me how intelligent I was. I finally
believe that and will pursue a long-held interest.

The pain that I have suffered has caused me to have much compassion for
people. Even though I have limited giving resources.

During the short time that I've been reading this echo, I've noted some
people's complaints of lousy therapists. I've definitely had my share of
those too. I've had therapists say and do appalling things to me. I would
like to see a lot more "things" in place to keep such incidences from
happening. Perhaps some day I will be able to make a difference in such
areas. How about you, Bob.

I should go now. As the result of another long story, I don't have access to
a bwave door. So my answers to your messages probably won't be as good as
they could be, since it's harder to get the message I'm responding to on the
screen. TTYl - I hope!

Chris

--- Maximus 2.01wb
 * Origin: PSYCHE [Calgary, AB] (1:134/128)

PATH: 134/128 1 10 3615/50 138/103 1 352/3 410
 3